Alright you all, I am going to get real candid here and talk about my deepest, darkest feelings because I need an outlet. I might regret writing this post but this can get added on to my list of regrets that seems to overflow as the years go by.
I have been and am experiencing a lot of “self-hate” lately. Not like I am suicidal or depressed, I just feel like I am starting to feel mentally exhausted from being ME. Sounds complicated much? Well, yes because it is.
First of all, I am loathing at the fact that I am too nice to people. I have never been that person who wants to argue or be around any arguments because as a child, I witnessed a lot of screaming and yelling by adults that literally, traumatized me.
My aunt was in a very abusive relationship, and each time I went over to her house after school and when her ex was at home, we had to hide; Hide in closets, hide on the roof ledge, hide in the driver or the maid’s room, hide anywhere that seemed safe because we were afraid of him finding out that we were there. Mind you, we were kids… Maybe 9 or 10 in age? One time, he came home from work surprisingly, he entered the kitchen and saw my sister and I sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch with our cousin, he got riled up…and so, so, angry. In comes my aunt as she hugs us like a big mama bear would, protecting my sister, my cousin and I, or “The Three Musketeers” as we call ourselves – while he screamed and yelled while circling around us like crazy. We were crying, and we were so afraid and also confused as to what was going on. But, we weren’t allowed to talk about it. Heck, we didn’t want to talk about it. He was a monster. Flash forward to today, the old man has passed away. I forgive him for what he had done but I will never forget the tormented experience we had to go through.
Because of that ladies and gentlemen, I am a PUSSY when it comes to conflicts. Not just that, I also don’t do well in those types of situations. I became a “Yes, man” kind of person. I said yes to everything my mom, teacher, sister, would say to me, and that led on to the men that I dated, to the bosses I’ve had to work for and to my friends. I never wanted to make anyone not happy; it was never my prerogative. It gets worse now that I am an adult and am more self-aware because it is in the back of my conscience. I don’t know how not to be not nice to people, or I don’t really get the meaning behind “to put my feet down”, because it is just not in my realm. So, I just have to…deal with it, I guess.
Now, I am not saying that I am nice person just to get pity. Well, I’d like to think that I am but there are people out there who would disagree. To those of you who do, I guess you just don’t understand the real me. Also, if I were to compare myself with other American women, I am seemingly stark in character compared to them because I was not raised like them. My roots are deep in Southeast Asia and life is very different there. Women are taught to be submissive and obedient, children are taught to be respectful, men and women alike are taught to lower our grazes – Things are so different here. I have been in the States for more than 10 years and I still struggle with “fitting in” and a lot of my unhappiness lies in me trying to be something that I am not and it is very exhausting. I have gotten better at standing up for myself and I will do that when it comes to protecting my rights but all in all, I am weak.
This is the struggle I feel not just today, this month, this year. I’ve felt this in the last two years and I am having a hard time coming to terms with it. I don’t feel confident anymore, I don’t feel beautiful, I don’t feel smart and I don’t feel like I am enough.. and that is bad. No fortune teller or palm reader can tell me to have my own back or things will look up if I don’t change my mindset. I am trying to be more optimistic but today is just one of those days I feel like I hate being ME.
..but I sure do love my baby ❤